ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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