You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
