What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
