I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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