awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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