i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
