please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
