Three words: puerto rican gang bang
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
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