I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
we made out on top of his cat.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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