where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
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