By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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