I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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