My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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