You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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