she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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