Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
