yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Randomize
