Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Randomize
