I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
