i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
