***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Randomize
