New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Randomize