dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
you never un-have a 4some
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
