he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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