The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
