I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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