remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I said "one day" and that day is not today
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
