Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
