What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
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