I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
