i don't plan on having that self control this summer
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
