i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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