Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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