her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
