the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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