So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
