I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
