Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
