there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
