I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Randomize
