the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
