so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
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he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
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I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.