Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Randomize
