I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
