Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
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Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
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shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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