You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
