I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
