i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
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I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
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Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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