Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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