Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
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Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
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I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.