I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work