the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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