I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
