Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
The uberlube is also flammable
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
