Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
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