508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Too much gin, very little bucket
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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