Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I woke up under a house in Key West
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
