NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
