She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
