11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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